Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day? Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow"
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Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red? Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight. Mother: That's a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting? Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith
One or TwoCustomer: Waiter, I've only got one piece of meat in my dish.Waiter:Just a moment, sir and I'll cut it in two.
Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in someparts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Traveler: Can I catch the three o'clock train to Toronto?Ticket agent: That depends on how fast you can run. It left fifteen minutes ago.
In a cinema during a performance one of the audience gets up, makes his way along the row of seats and goes out intothe foyer . A few minutes later he returns and asks the man sitting at the head of the row:Excuse me, was it your foot I stepped onwhen I was going out a moment ago?Yes, but it doesn't really matter. It didn'thurt at all.Oh, no, it isn't that. I only want to make sure that this is my row.
"Help! Doctor! Please come quickly! My ten-year-old son has just swallowed a pen!""Ok, I'll be right there. I'll be there in 10 to 20 minutes.""Good, but...what am I supposed to do in the meantime?""Just use another pen!"
.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody elseis in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.'
.A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation. After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. 'I'd rather not,', the clergyman said, ' I don't want Him to know I'm here.'
I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded. 'Why are you so nervous?' I asked him. 'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my usband confessed.
.Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him? Jack: Certainly. Tom: And why? Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.
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