The past few years have passed in a blur. Am I still the same me I was back then.. or have I finally changed? Sometimes I can’t tell anymore.
I was never ambitious, not as a kid, and certainly not as an adult. I only ever sought the simple happiness in life, to be with the people I love, and enjoy the things we love doing together. I never aspired to be someone great, or to change history, though I wouldn‘t mind if I somehow ended up in that position. When I was little, my parents had high hopes for me. They were both exemplar students in their classes, and consequently wished the best for me. I tried to comply, but as they came to realize, I’m quite different from them.
I‘ve never been close with my parents. Sure, we often joke around and discuss current events as well as other interesting tidbits of news, but anything deeper is foreign territory. I can‘t even bring myself to verbally say ’happy birthday‘ to my parents on their birthdays. It’s too difficult for me to utter those words to them, or any other words of affection for that matter. I‘ve become accustomed to responding with silence, and I am no longer capable of breaking that silence. The obvious solution to this, and what I’ve been told on countless occasions, is to open up and talk, but how does one go about breaking down a fortress that‘s only been strengthening itself over time?
My parents played and still play a huge role in shaping me into who I am. Despite growing up in an environment that encouraged individuality and independence, I had little say in the decisions concerning my life. From a very early age, I craved freedom, and the desire only intensified as I grew older. Perhaps if my parents had been more lenient with me, I would have turned out differently. I grew reliant on their control, and let myself plunge into the depths of a dark abyss. I learned the hard way that reality is harsh, and ignorance can only delay the ever-increasing pain.
The world was my oyster but I used the wrong fork.
Will I ever find the right one?