It's a long journey, and I bet I'll change, but I don't want to change, so I hate myself. My stomach will feel weird if this thought comes up in my mind. It feels like I know Im about to die. 3 years later a new me will chop my head off, and mock me about how stupid I am.
I worry because this shit happens, especially on me.
So I'm used to setting myself up in a hopeless no-way-out situation. I can't make a decision, can't make up my mind, can't promise anything. Yeah, I can't promise anything. Feelings change, my feelings change like seasons, like the goddamn weather here. I hate growing up, hate to be changed by those totally strangers, by time. But I want to grow up faster, because it seems like the only way that I can get the chance to leave this place. If I am braver, maybe I'll steal some money and leave. But I'm not that brave, somewhere in my mind I wish I can do well in this hypocritical world. Yet sometimes I can recognize that thought is like a monster that's eating my soul, I don't need those compliments, not at all, my parents need them.
Speaking of soul. I believe that I have one, actually everybody does, but most of them don't know what they have. They're cheating on themselves all the time. How do they sleep well? How do they eat well? How do they convince themselves they're doing the right thing? And sadly I am always doubting myself, I regret about what I did yesterday, tomorrow maybe I'll regret for what I did today. This feeling sucks, and it got worse ever since my dad said this habit is running in our blood.
Being alone can be fine, finest thing ever. I could create a lot of things that seem weird to you, if you have the chance to take a look at them, you might need 10 seconds to take a deep deep breath, then back up, and tell everyone how scary I am. Go ahead, I don't mind. Because I know what your life will be. You never ask yourself what you want, you ask what others want you to want, then fake it like it's your will. When you're 36 years old, or later, you'll sit on your bed on a cold morning, asking yourself for the first time of your life, "what the hell have I done?" You won't even care about your lame music tastes anymore, because after all you've never enjoyed music as well, you've only heard those popular ones.