03/01/13
“Niall, get up! It’s time for school and
you’re going to be late!”
Maura knocked on the door, calling to her
son sternly as she tried to encourage her blue eyed boy to get up and attend
school. Niall was an insomniac. Niall knew it, Maura, his mother knew it, and
so did everyone else Niall knew.
But lately, all Niall could do was sleep.
The boy
had missed a week of school, sleeping throughout the days, waking up for an
hour or two and suddenly sleeping again. It scared Maura to the core, but after
learning that the soldier Niall had been writing had passed, she let Niall
mourn however he wished.

Niall’s
never had anyone he knew pass on; it was tough on him, obviously. Maura felt
some of the weight on her shoulders; she would toss and turn at night thinking
if she had never made the family write to soldiers, that maybe Niall would be
in this weird state of sleep and terrible distress.
The whole
week Niall had been sleeping his whole body would thrash about, and he would
call out the name “Zayn” with tears falling from his eyes on onto his face, his
whole body turning a bright shade of pink and radiating such heat that made his
whole room stuffy.
Maura was
scared, and as a mother, she had the responsibility to stop all of this. Maura
had to get her son on the right track back to his own life; she needed to see
her son smiling and happy again. She couldn’t let Niall go down this dark path
of mourning. Her son had already missed days of school; his job at the grocery
store was already hanging from a tight a thin thread with all the work he’s
missed.
No, Niall
Horan needed to get back into his life. Niall needed to get over the loss of
his soldier, and he needed to live again.
Niall stirred in his bed, his whole body covered in a thin layer
of sweat, his vision blurring from the tears flooding his eyes.

He’d had
another dream.
Niall got
up from his bed, the world slowly moved around him, and Niall was seeing double
of his front door. His mother was pushing him to get up and off to school, and
he doesn’t blame her.

Niall’s
missed a full week, and instead of school he would just sleep…
Sleep and
dream.
Sometimes
the dreams were good, and sometimes they were bad. More bad than good though.
His dreams were usually filled with blurry images of this lost soldier, Zayn,
where both of them would spend a day together or something. Niall swore he
could hear him talk, laugh, and sing. Dreams like that, the good dreams, really
made Niall’s whole body shoot with warmth and love.
Then
there were the bad dreams.
Dreams of
death, shootings, Afghanistan,
the horrible and apparently “quiet” raids Zayn would go off on during the year
of letters. Niall’s mind would just play a scenario in which Zayn would be in,
playing out many different ways Zayn could have died that night.
Niall
didn’t like to think about it.
Niall
never wanted to think about Zayn being hurt, or Zayn’s death. Niall just wanted
to write. Niall wanted to write to his strong soldier and tell him how much he
loved him, or how Louis and Harry were so fucking annoying and dumb in their
relationship, or ramble about his life, telling Zayn how many loons they get at
the store, or how he couldn’t wait to meet him at the airport, or go out to eat
with him, Lou, and Hazz like Zayn had promised they would.

Most
importantly, Niall wanted to see Zayn, to feel him and to….to kiss him.
The day
Niall got the news about Zayn was the day his whole world crashed. The two boys
had made so many plans, shared so many secrets and stories about their lives.
Niall had been so set on Zayn and meeting him, it was like he wasn’t really
gone once he heard it for himself when the letter service and phoned in telling
him to stop sending the damn letters.
The lady
was pretty brutal, Niall could never forget that.In a way, it was as if Zayn
had never died. I guess, because Niall had never met him, that it was like he
never really lost anything. Well, except a soldier to write to that is. But
physically, Niall never had him, so in a sense he never gave him up. It hurt
though, just in a different way. Niall felt he could just pick up a pen and
paper, writing all of his feeling for the week, send it to the service and Zayn
would just…reply.
As if
Zayn had never died.

“Hey,
Ni!” Harry ran towards his best friend, Louis not too far behind as the blonde
boy was now being hugged and kissed to death by the two.
“You
dick!” Louis pecked the blonde right on the lips, “Where the hell have you been
all week!? We’ve been worried SICK!” Niall chuckled softly, rubbing of any type
of cooties Lou might have placed on him during the smooch.
Harry
wrapped his left warm over Niall’s shoulder tugging him in for a tight hug,
“Have you been sick or something? You could have at least phoned us for a few
seconds and informed us.” Harry shot Niall a small smile, noticing that the
blue eyed boy was still under the weather and not quite himself.
“I’m so
sorry guys,” Niall softly stated, wrapping his arms around his two best friend,
all three now walking up into the school they would soon be done with in a
matter of months, “I just haven’t really…been myself. I’ve been sick; my whole
body has been in such a terrible vibe all last week.” Niall licked his lips as
he noticed the two boys were watching with interest and worry, “Do you think
you two can forgive a silly dick like me?”

It was
Harry’s turn to smooch the blonde, this time on the cheek, “Of course Niall,”
Harry said softly as the three friends were now roaming the cozy school
hallways and away from the damp and brisk morning, “We were just worried,
that’s all. Lou and I would go over to bring you your homework, but your mum
always said you were out like a light!”
Niall
smiled at the kindness both of his friends showed, bringing him his homework
when he had missed class. Niall couldn’t help but feel a bit of warmth fill up
his now iced over heart.
“Yeah,
when Mrs. Horan informed us you were sleeping, we knew something had to be
wrong with you. I mean, you hardly sleep at night, ever. But now you were
sleeping during the day?” Niall shook his head, laughing at his horrible
habits, but knowing that every word Louis had said was completely true.
“Hazz and
I knew something was wrong with you babe. Something serious.” Harry quickly
nodded in agreement, the bell ringing over their conversation but the three
still walking in a tight three way side to side hug.
“So what
happened? Is it all because of…" Harry paused, too scared to say what was
on his mind, but Niall was now all ears and Harry couldn’t just back off from a
hanging thought, “Zayn?" Harry asked, breaking up from their position as the
three boys walked into their first period, getting situated in their desks as
the question still floated in the air. Niall wasn’t sure what to say, he knew
he had to lie because he didn’t want to worry Lou and Hazz, and even if Niall
decided to tell them that it really was Zayn that kept him chained to his bed,
now was not the time, especially because Niall could possibly lose his control
and totally come undone all over again. And Niall was not about to lose
himself. Not here, not now.

“Oh, you
know,” Niall began his lie, “The common flu and stuff, except I think I might
have gotten a stronger hit because my body was doing some major healing with
all that sleep I was doing.” Niall looked to his friends, hoping that they
would buy the story he had just made up on the spot.
There was
a long pause of awkward staring, “It’s not because of Zayn" Niall lied
again, forcing a smile that literally took so much energy for him to front,
“Promise." The blonde confirmed, biting his bottom lips as Harry smiled a small
and cheeky smile, “Oh wow, man. The flu is the worst!” Louis chimed in, totally
agreeing with Hazz and sharing stories of when they too had come down with the
flu.
Success.
The day
went on and surprisingly Niall managed to survive the whole day, thinking about
his soldier Zayn quite frequently though, which was a bad habit Niall had to
break, especially since he needed to be catching up from the week he’s missed.
Niall
couldn’t help it though.
The blue
eyed boy missed writing to Zayn. He missed the letters that would end up in his
mailbox, or when Zayn would tell him about his life, or how he so badly wanted
to meet him in person.
Niall
couldn’t help but daydream and imagine up different scenes of them meeting.
Over and over again Niall would listen to the iPod he had sent to Zayn,
listening to the songs Zayn had heard and picturing seeing him at the airport,
dressed up in his army uniform, sporting the biggest smile on his face, arms
wide open and ready to wrap around Niall’s smaller frame.

_____________________________________________________________________________
I’ 25/11/12
Nialler,
I’ve got to write this quickly. I know this is happening
heaps lately and we should be getting used to it by now, but I’m going on a
raid in a few days. I’ll be back in a week or so, so there better be a letter
waiting for me when I get home – if I can call this home. I suppose it’s as
close to home as anything will be out here.
Anyway, I’m sure everything will be fine. I know it will be.
It always is. Liam will be there. He’ll keep me out of trouble. I just have
something that I need to get off my chest.
Because Niall, I think I might be falling in love with you
and I just wanted to make sure you knew it.
Alright, I have to go. Sorry that this was out of the blue.
Love,
Zayn
__________________________________________________________________________
Niall
never got to say the words he had felt for Zayn back, and that was the one
thing that absolutely killed him. Niall lost his balance, falling onto the cold
hardwood floor, leaning up against his window and crying the sorrows away.
Crying at the fact that Zayn was so young, that Zayn had said that he loved
him, and that Zayn had been just weeks away from coming home.
The blue
eyed boy held the letter close to his heart, running a free hand through his
blonde hair and picturing what went wrong in the raid he was involved in. Zayn
said raids sometimes were dead, and almost all of them were boring and
pointless. What was it that changed it? Why did Zayn have to die, and why did
his murderer kill such a kind and sweet man like Zayn?
Niall
looked up into the dark violet sky, the sky where he had wished and wished for
Zayn’s good health and safety. The same sky that would capture Niall and send
his thoughts and dreams to the other side of the world to where Zayn was.

“Stars…”
Niall whispered, tears slowly streaming
down his face. Niall swallowed hard, clearing his throat as he blinked back the
tears that were pouring out of his crystal pure eyes.
“Why have
you betrayed me, stars? I-I just wanted Zayn safe…I wanted him to come home, I
w-wanted him t-to come home to m-me!”
Niall
screamed, pounding his fists onto the floor as he turned away from the bright
and shining stars, as they turned from Niall and his wishes.
“Aren’t
shooting stars supposed to make dreams come true? ve wished on shooting stars
and you have failed me! You failed Zayn! You-”
And as
Niall looked up to curse at the bright and twinkling objects, a shooting star
struck the atmosphere once more, sending a chill of warmth down the teen’s
spine. Niall’s tear filled eyes widened as he placed a hand onto his window,
closing his eyes as he made one final wish, knowing that there was no point,
but Zayn would have wanted him to.
“Please…”
Niall slowly opened his eyes, staring up at the night sky, the stars twinkling
and reflecting off of his clear blue eyes, “Pl-please bring Zayn back to me….”
Niall
tried so hard to fight back the tears, he slowly fisted his hair and dug his
head in between his legs, sobbing and crying over everything that had fallen
from his easygoing life. Niall didn’t go to bed until later that night, the boy
curling up on the cold floor, looking up into the night sky and slowly drifting
off into a deep and much needed sleep. He mumbled his wish over and over and
over again until finally he slept, his last words being:
“Bring my soldier home…”

CHAPTER 2
21/01/13
Days turn into weeks, and life seems to go on for Niall.
Slowly but surely, Niall started building himself back up, only fixing a small percent of his shattered heart. The blue eyed beauty could still go to school, do all of his work, eat, hang out with Louis and Harry and be completely normal.
But that was only a mask he wore.
No one knew how hard it was for him to rise from his bed, his dreams of Zayn that chained him every single night as he slumbered. When the blonde fluttered his eyes open, he so desperately wished to go back into the dark abyss.
The dreams Niall were having were now filled with bliss, all of Zayn…and he’s…happy, always surrounded by bright light, sunshine, and the smell of jellybeans always managed to cross Niall’s mind.
Niall couldn’t help but smile a bit, looking out the window of his Environmental Science class, his eyes getting lost in the clouds and the light blue sky. Niall wondered if Zayn was up there right now, thinking of him, or looking down on him from heaven…that is, if there was a heaven.

Zayn and Niall shared a common disbelief in the church and God, but ever since Zayn had left from the earth, Niall liked to think that there was in fact a heaven, and that Zayn was happy up there in the clouds.
Zayn deserved to be happy.
Niall got back to his work after his teacher politely informed him that he was daydreaming. Which, he was. Niall couldn’t help that his mind would wander on Zayn. In every dream it was as if he would get closer and further from unmasking who his soldier actually was. The only description Niall ever got was, “What do I look like? Like any other guy I suppose. Dark hair, dark eyes. Boring.”
Niall smiled to himself, scribbling down some of the notes put up onto the projector as he continued to try to find out who Zayn was. Maybe Niall could look up his information? Find out what his last name was and meet with his family…
Niall spat to himself, shaking his head and gaining serious looks from the other students as he practically answered his own thought. The blue eyed boy wrote down more notes, thinking how ridiculous he was being.
Hell, he didn’t even know Zayn in real life; he just wrote him damn letters for Christ’s sake. Niall practically a stranger and he betted all the RedSkins he had in his pocket that his mother would absolutely think he was a loon.
“Mm, RedSkins”
Niall whispered to himself, grabbing a few and putting them softly onto his desk, unraveling the candy and popping two into his mouth, soaking up the incredible flavor as he moan quietly, closing his eyes, his mind drifting back to Zayn once again.
Call Niall crazy, but ever since Maura pushed him back into the rush of life, he found that eating the special brand of jellybeans, and RedSkins held him closer to Zayn. As if they shared a common like and this was one of the things Niall could actually consume and feel as if Zayn was right next to him, alive and well.
The blue eyed boy also listened to his old iPod he would send over to Zayn, completely putting his brand new iPod to the side and only using his old one. The fact that Zayn actually…touched, and used the music player that was now in his hands completely sent Niall over the edge. The earplugs that would fit so perfectly into his ears were once in Zayn’s, and the blonde knows how weird this all must be to anyone else….but they were the little thing.
They were the last things of Zayn.
Niall would never let them go.
Ever.

“Knock, knock”
Maura peered through her son’s open door, seeing her blonde headed boy at his laptop, finishing up the last of his uni preparations. “Come in, mum,” Niall said sweetly, his tone carrying little life as Maura entered and made her way behind him.
“What’re you up to, dear?” Maura asked warmly, placing her left hand on Niall’s shoulder as her eyes gazed upon the bright screen, seeing the University College London website, and Niall logging in to finish up registration.
“I’m finally going to commit to a college, mum. It’s a pretty good school, and Lou and Harry are going there as well,” Maura cocked her left brow, smirking at her son. Niall knew his mother didn’t really approve of Louis, but Maura knew she couldn’t stop him from being friends with him. After all, they were good to her son, especially through this hard time. “I know, I know, mom. Louis has gotten better from your last encounter. I see maturity growing on him quite nicely.”
Maura laughed, walking over the shuffle through Niall’s school work and different binders. She saw papers with very high marks. Maura was very proud of her son, she knew Niall was taking the death of his soldier hard, but the fact that Niall managed to turn himself around in a week was very impressive to her.
Of course she knew he was still hurting. Niall just carried himself in such a way that so many people rarely get to see. Niall was resilient. Maura would see her boy fail and fail time after time, but that never stopped him from trying. Her blue eyed boy was a fighter, and she knew that he was fighting the sadness.
That made her proud.

“I’m so happy for you, dear.” Maura patted her sons head, shuffling through more of his work until she came across a huge packet from NYU, a University in the States. Maura picked up the packet, slowly gaining Niall’s attention as she examined the packet, now meeting her sons blue eyes with her own.
“What’s this, Niall?” Maura asked, turning over the letter to see it completely unopened. The blonde boy puckered his lips, extending his hand out for the letter from NYU, taking it into his hands, looking away from his mum.
“It’s a letter from NYU…” Niall swallowed, “The boys and I thought it would be fun to send out applications to other top school, you know, to see if we would actually get it.” Niall’s gaze was hazy, remembering the past as he held the letter tighter in his cold hands.
“Well..?” Maura snapped her son out of his daze, “Why don’t you open it and see what it says, love?” Niall looked up at his mother’s warm smile, fidgeting with the letter until he began to rip the seal open carefully, pulling out a huge booklet, the words on the front huge and bolded, saying ‘CONGRATULATIONS!!’
Maura clapped her hands together, quickly placing her hands on her son’s shoulders and shaking him in excitement. “Honey! You ended up getting in!” Niall felt a rush of warmth spread through his body, as if a bit of life was being given back to him. He opened up the booklet to see more information about the school and the NYU life.
And then he quickly closed it, putting the booklet back into the packet and to the side of his desk. He shook off the warm feeling, coldly returned back to his laptop, and continued to sign up for UCL.
Maura frowned, picking up the packet for herself as she took the booklet into her hands, stripping it from its white envelope. She began to flip through the pages, looking at the NYU school life, the environment, and all the different types of courses her son would love. This was the school for Niall, she thought.
“Why not go to NYU instead of UCL, Niall?” Maura asked, walking over to her son’s bed, booklet in hand. “Uh,” Niall swallowed, “It’s a little far, don’t you think?” Niall stopped typing, shocked at his mother’s words. She had pushed him so hard to make good grades and to get accepted to UCL. What changed that now she wants him to go to a totally different uni that’s not even in the same country.