A man sits on the floor against the shelves, with a stack of books next to him.
The bookstore clerk approaches.
CLERK
Excuse me sir, but you see it's a bit past our closing time now and I'm afraid that you'll have to leave.
MAN
(with a rather pathetic look on his face)
*Stare*
CLERK
Well sir, it's a bit past our closing time now and I'm afraid that you'll have to leave.
MAN
(on the verge of crying)
*Stare*
CLERK
(turning to the audience, sigh, turn back to the man)
You're welcome to come back, of course,bookstore opens at 8 a.m. precisely.
MAN
What if I don't have a tomorrow?
I'm terribly ill and this is my last night.
CLERK
Oh dear, is it really?
MAN
No. But I really need to finish this book.
(pause) It won't take very long, I promise.
CLERK
You are a man of books, I see.
MAN
So is my father, grandfather, grand-grandfather,
my uncle, great uncle, great-great uncle
if only my aunt wasn't marriedand
went completely "gone with the wind" with
that scumbag,
we'd never have to face the problem
of having equal votes every time
settling the Books family issues.
CLERK
(pause for that awkward moment)
Very well then.Just out of curiosity,
what book is it that you're reading?
MAN
What if I don't have a tomorrow?
CLERK
Yes sir, I think we're through with that,
what I'm wanting to know is what book are you reading?
MAN
Title reads
"What if I don't have a tomorrow".
CLERK
(pause)And may I know what the first line is?
MAN
"I'm terribly ill and this is my last night".
CLERK
Sir, judging by the size of that book I don't think
you'll be able to finish it within the next hour--
MAN
I don't want to read it anymore.
CLERK
Very well, sir--
MAN
This is such a depressing book.
I came in hoping to find a book on how toproperly
commit suicide, andnow I have this book--in it the author says
he's only got one night's life, whereason the back cover it reads
"the productof 5 years' dedication"--I mean,
does he really understandwhat "one night" is?
CLERK
Well, sir, that is a form of literature--
MAN
Sad, really. Books aren't half as good
as they used to be now. Allthe
grand quests, battles, philosophies,
principles are gone,leaving only
boys running themselves hard into the walls
at the train stationand porphyria patients
glistening likediamond under sunlight
suddenly an attractive thing--or people
making a thousand per hour publishing their secretsabout
how to make a thousand per hourwhile all they did, really, was
at homewatching telly, and hoping that some idiotsout there would buy their books.
CLERK
(Agreeing. Seats next to the man.)
That is very true, sir. Now that you've mentioned it,
I begin to feel a similar loss of hope
and appreciation in recent authors and their books.
MAN
Is that right?
CLERK
Right. As a matter of fact,
I was reading this book to Fitzgerald the other nightand
although it was in my opinion the best book I have come across
in the past several months,I am rather certain that he hated it.
MAN
Mr. Fitzgerald, that friend of you I presume,
must have a good taste for books.
CLERK
True, sir, he is perhaps the most well-educated goldfish out there.
Last timeI read to him an excerpt from Shakespeare andhe
splashed water on me in joy.
MAN
That's quite something.
CLERK
Indeed, sir. Then there was another time
I read to him a column from the politics section
and he splashed water on me in hatred.
MAN
Clever.
CLERK
I think I'm developing a liking for you, sir.
I don't mean to be blunt, but may I ask what
is the state of business so serious that you had to take,
say, death, as your remedy?
MAN
Me? No, no, no.
There's no way I want to be dead.
CLERK
But you did say you sought guidance on properly committing suicide.
MAN
Oh did I say that?
Naughty, naughty me.
CLERK
(awaits)
MAN
Well you see,I think I'm a sweet man,
so I'm just trying to help my wife out
on the entire suicide thing.
CLERK
(pause)In that case, sir, you'll hardly find any
books helpful for that particular intention.However,
I may just have the right book for you.
Here.
(How To Do Nothing With Nobody All Alone By Yourself -Robert Paul Smith)
FADE OUT
The bookstore clerk approaches.
CLERK
Excuse me sir, but you see it's a bit past our closing time now and I'm afraid that you'll have to leave.
MAN
(with a rather pathetic look on his face)
*Stare*
CLERK
Well sir, it's a bit past our closing time now and I'm afraid that you'll have to leave.
MAN
(on the verge of crying)
*Stare*
CLERK
(turning to the audience, sigh, turn back to the man)
You're welcome to come back, of course,bookstore opens at 8 a.m. precisely.
MAN
What if I don't have a tomorrow?
I'm terribly ill and this is my last night.
CLERK
Oh dear, is it really?
MAN
No. But I really need to finish this book.
(pause) It won't take very long, I promise.
CLERK
You are a man of books, I see.
MAN
So is my father, grandfather, grand-grandfather,
my uncle, great uncle, great-great uncle
if only my aunt wasn't marriedand
went completely "gone with the wind" with
that scumbag,
we'd never have to face the problem
of having equal votes every time
settling the Books family issues.
CLERK
(pause for that awkward moment)
Very well then.Just out of curiosity,
what book is it that you're reading?
MAN
What if I don't have a tomorrow?
CLERK
Yes sir, I think we're through with that,
what I'm wanting to know is what book are you reading?
MAN
Title reads
"What if I don't have a tomorrow".
CLERK
(pause)And may I know what the first line is?
MAN
"I'm terribly ill and this is my last night".
CLERK
Sir, judging by the size of that book I don't think
you'll be able to finish it within the next hour--
MAN
I don't want to read it anymore.
CLERK
Very well, sir--
MAN
This is such a depressing book.
I came in hoping to find a book on how toproperly
commit suicide, andnow I have this book--in it the author says
he's only got one night's life, whereason the back cover it reads
"the productof 5 years' dedication"--I mean,
does he really understandwhat "one night" is?
CLERK
Well, sir, that is a form of literature--
MAN
Sad, really. Books aren't half as good
as they used to be now. Allthe
grand quests, battles, philosophies,
principles are gone,leaving only
boys running themselves hard into the walls
at the train stationand porphyria patients
glistening likediamond under sunlight
suddenly an attractive thing--or people
making a thousand per hour publishing their secretsabout
how to make a thousand per hourwhile all they did, really, was
at homewatching telly, and hoping that some idiotsout there would buy their books.
CLERK
(Agreeing. Seats next to the man.)
That is very true, sir. Now that you've mentioned it,
I begin to feel a similar loss of hope
and appreciation in recent authors and their books.
MAN
Is that right?
CLERK
Right. As a matter of fact,
I was reading this book to Fitzgerald the other nightand
although it was in my opinion the best book I have come across
in the past several months,I am rather certain that he hated it.
MAN
Mr. Fitzgerald, that friend of you I presume,
must have a good taste for books.
CLERK
True, sir, he is perhaps the most well-educated goldfish out there.
Last timeI read to him an excerpt from Shakespeare andhe
splashed water on me in joy.
MAN
That's quite something.
CLERK
Indeed, sir. Then there was another time
I read to him a column from the politics section
and he splashed water on me in hatred.
MAN
Clever.
CLERK
I think I'm developing a liking for you, sir.
I don't mean to be blunt, but may I ask what
is the state of business so serious that you had to take,
say, death, as your remedy?
MAN
Me? No, no, no.
There's no way I want to be dead.
CLERK
But you did say you sought guidance on properly committing suicide.
MAN
Oh did I say that?
Naughty, naughty me.
CLERK
(awaits)
MAN
Well you see,I think I'm a sweet man,
so I'm just trying to help my wife out
on the entire suicide thing.
CLERK
(pause)In that case, sir, you'll hardly find any
books helpful for that particular intention.However,
I may just have the right book for you.
Here.
(How To Do Nothing With Nobody All Alone By Yourself -Robert Paul Smith)
FADE OUT
