I was serving this smug cunt in a suit in Burger King when he asked, "So, do you enjoy your job then?"
"Yeah, it's ok," I replied.
He said, "I'm designing a robot that, in years to come, will take your place."
"Good luck teaching it how to spit," I said, handing over his burger.

What do Carlos Tevez and Maddie McCann have in common?
It's unlikely that you'll ever see them playing in England again.

A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!
Sent from my iPhone 5

I get all the best women at swingers parties.
That Ferrari keyring was the best £1.50 I've ever spent.

Michael Jackson's sales have gone up massively since he was killed.
Just like to point that out to Jedward's record company.

女朋友说她在日本找到工作了，叫我在国内好好工作，不要看AV

董卓请吕布等心腹吃饭，并让貂蝉作陪。为了考验心腹们的忠诚，董卓命令貂蝉把胸部涂黑。 随后，吃饭时突然停电，一片漆黑！ 不久又来电了，董卓发现众人的手都是黑的，唯独吕布的手是干净的！ 董卓决定奖赏吕布！吕布很开心的笑了出来，露出了黑色的牙齿！

I bumped into Sian Massey in the street today. I said, "Are you aware of the uproar caused after you officiated at the Liverpool v Wolves game? I mean, two Sky Sports pundits were..."
"Yeah yeah," she interrupted. "Tell me something I don't know."
So I explained the offside rule.
----------------------------------------------------
There's a rumour going around that the police have said you're not allowed to wear England shirts in pubs in case it upsets Muslims.
What the **** is a Muslim doing in a pub?


Blackpool are 500/1 to win the Premier League next year.
Which means if you put just £20 on them at the start of the season, you will lose £20.

I'm looking forward to the African Nations Cup.
My money's on Chelsea.

Liverpool: Hi lads, how much for Carroll?
Newcastle: 35 million, lol j...
Liverpool: Done.

What's the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle United?
Shearer will still be on Match of the Day next season.

The people I feel sorry for are the Wigan fans who pay 25p for each goal update.

Arsenal; The only team that can finish 3rd in a two horse race.
Just watched Emile Heskey rattle in seven goals on Sky Sports.
It was a career montage.